Iridescence cont.

10/1/2018

Captain's Log #1890

The world is full. The world is full of wonder and brightness wonder tucked away into the softest corners of my little universe. I explore through nooks and crannies and yet I find more than I could ever need.  And as I begin to think I know all that I need to know, the setting sun catches an angle of your multifaceted heart. Reflecting you and you and more you in every fractalesque fracture of light. Complexity in beauty and beauty in complexity. 

I have been many things in life. I have been called many things in life. I have been called a hurricane (my mother), selfish (my father), a brat (my sister). I don't think I've ever been called precious (you), or wonderful (you) or "mine" (more you) and have ever felt it. I don't think I've met anyone more honest and trusting and open and kind and just so, so beautiful. You are so plentiful in the ways in which I can cherish you. 

My heart has never been happier. It's more each day that I picture you stepping off one of the UBC buses. On bad days I imagine you working and waiting at home so that maybe the rain-soaked shoes and heavy shoulders don't weigh me down as much. I just want to sit and be next to you. Want to laugh and cry and be idiots in the same room. But if that feeling is anything better than the feeling of getting a text or call from you, I don't know if I could handle it. 

The thing is, I can't feel butterflies or even fireworks. A long time ago they were taken from me and replaced with some sickly dread that crawls up my stomach with a siren of non-existent danger. You always find a way to talk me down from the high ledges of conclusions I jump to. End up making me feel like I didn't need those gut feelings anyways. 

You have worn down my jagged edges with countless waves of love and support. I am a sanded down stone of soft appreciation and endless gratitude. 

 So thank you. Thank you for being you and you and more you. 

Waiting

10:57 am
2/29/2016

Captain's log

Today has been odd. Although nothing particular has happened, I find myself in a state of perplexity. The air feels different today, a feeling located on my back stands on edge: like I'm waiting. What am I waiting for? I find myself at this question again and again. What big catalyst am I expecting? 

I do this all the time, raise my expectations and consistently get let down. My life continues to be a myriad of questions with little to no answers. I acknowledge that I could go through life not expecting much, always entertaining the idea of living a minimalist lifestyle. But to be honest, where's the fun in that? It makes no sense to me how people can live their lives not wanting. It may seem materialistic at first glace: to want, but wanting is not just for items. I want for friendship, for memories, for experiences, I want to be extraordinary.

Oh dear, I hope I'm not coming off as pretentious. But the fact of the matter is, while I'm still stuck here in high school, my adventure is sadly confined to what the future holds in front of me. I walk to and from each melancholy classroom full of deathly bored students wanting, wishing, waiting. I know I still have so much time. I just wonder why in life, we must squander our youth. As while we, the young, are periodically confined inside walls and cement, our minds wandering, they, the adults, meander aimlessly while their minds are confined inside responsibility and hard truth. 

To be honest, I am ashamed of my rapid aging. I feel that the saddest thing is knowing how clever and smart you once were and feeling, as you grow, the childlike wonder slowly trickle away. I hope, dear God I even pray (and I don't often pray) that when I'm older, I don't turn into my parents. I wish not to be my mother: never satisfied with herself, easy to manipulate, co-dependent on significant others. I pray not to be my father: overly worried about financials, greedy, angry at nothing in particular. I wish to be someone who is my own. 

And so this is what life is, attempting to piece myself together through other people, experiences, mistakes, and who knows what else. I don't know much of the future. I don't know much of anything actually.  But I know for certain, that I am going to go boldly. There will be fear, but I will embrace my human emotions. It's all about getting to that point. So now, I just sit here: waiting.